25 May 2010

Being scared means you have something to lose...

The past few weeks have been full of ups and downs. Mental, physical and emotional. I feel like my body has physically healed. I’m back to beating it up with CrossFit workouts daily. Mentally, I think I’m in a better place. I have a better idea of where I stand as an individual, of what I want and what I think I deserve. But, emotionally, well… that’s still a work in progress.
I really can’t put my finger on what started this rollercoaster ride. Just one afternoon not too long ago, I realized just how unhappy I’ve become. I wasn’t sure if this unhappiness was to be blamed solely on me, on him, on his job and the life it creates for us… I wasn’t sure.
I’ve spent a lot of time just thinking about things, talking to a friend and trying to talk through it all, figure out what some of these feelings mean and if they’re solid feelings or merely passing fancies.
I’ve questioned whether or not I have what it takes to be an Army wife. If I really can handle 20 more years of this.  
Today, out of nowhere, as I was walking across the Wal-Mart parking lot, it just hit me. I don’t want to be simply civilian. I’m not saying being a civilian is a bad thing. But it just seems so simple, so commonplace in comparison to what my life has been revolving around. That realization alone was enough to make feel like yes, I really can do this. I really do have the strength necessary to support a man in his position. I really can do all the waiting.

My Wal-Mart parking lot epiphany was enough to silence all the doubts that I’ve been having the past few weeks. It was enough to make me realize that my unhappiness is a “me” thing. Taking him out of the picture would only add to that unhappiness. So, it’s not him, his job or our lifestyle. Which means it’s something I should be able to tackle and fix on my own, without leaving him, but with his help. All of this gives my heart so much peace.
My mind of course followed that initial thought: that I didn’t want to be simply civilian. Why not? Why wouldn’t I want to be with a man who’s home every night in time for dinner, who doesn’t have to worry about missing 9 months at a time out of his children’s lives, who doesn’t risk his life to do his job? Why wouldn’t I want that? Because of the pride. Yes, pride. I take a lot of pride in saying that I belong to a soldier. A simple explanation of his job lets anyone with a brain know that he’s not your common G.I Joe. This only adds to that pride.
He loves his country enough that he’s willing to sacrifice his life for it if necessary. And nothing was good enough until he was the best. He’s the best at everything he does. Right now, he’s in a school … and he’s not the best and it just infuriates him. He’s one of “those”.

So, why would I want to be with a man who works long hours, who leaves for weeks at a time for schools and training, who deploys to war torn countries for months at a time, who puts his life on the line every time he actually does his job? Because anyone can take the easy way and find an accountant or doctor or whatever… Because anyone can deal with a few week long business trips a year. Anyone can do the civilian life. But not just anyone can handle the military life.
It takes so much patience and courage and flat out strength to love a man who wears the uniform that defends our country.
I am so proud to be one of those women who stand beside one of those men.
I’ve also realized that it’s okay to have doubts. It’s okay to be scared. It’s normal. If you’re not scared, you’re lying or dead. And being scared means you have something to lose. So I’m okay with it. 

1 comment:

  1. wow, that is one great epiphany! I'm glad you got your answers! And I really do think there are women who are created specifically to do what we do, love and support a soldier. I take a lot of pride in being an Army wife too, which is why I think it's kinda hard for me when I sit down & remember we're no longer active duty - lol. You really are a strong person and I wish you luck on finding your inner happiness!