17 May 2010

Behind every soldier...

Behind every soldier… there is a girl.
She is with him in heart and soul.
She goes through everything that he goes through.
She feels his pain, his sorrow, his joy, his longing and his devotion.
Every minute they are apart her heart aches, but she smiles.
She is a model for other girl. They watch her and wonder, “How does she do it?”
She is the picture of everlasting love and fidelity to her soldier, his cause and their country.
She is his rock, his support, his best friend and his lover.
Her job is the hardest and most painful thing she knows.
It is also by far the most rewarding.
Their relationship will weather storms, cross miles and reach indescribable heights.
Not because of who they are, but because of the love that they share. A love that is patient, honest, true and kind. A love that transcends the distance, that is deeper than any ocean, more abundant than all the stars in the sky. It is a love that is perfect in all its flaws.
Behind every soldier… there is a girl.
I am that girl.

I’m sitting here in my kitchen, staring out across the vastness of my backyard. The rain has been pouring for the past 20 minutes or so. My yard has turned into a jungle. It needed mowing a week ago. Sitting here, I feel like I can actually see the grass growing and I just want to cry. Up until now, dealing with his absence was tolerable. Ok, even. I’ve learned that sometimes a little space can be a very good thing. It keeps me from taking him for granted and makes me appreciate him so much more when he is here.
But today, his absence hurts. Physically, emotionally. I’ve got an injury preventing me from being the super self-sufficient person I usually am, especially when he’s gone. I can’t do much of anything. And of course, I don’t have it in me to ask for help. I just keep hoping tomorrow will be a better day. Except, I’m not getting better, just frustrated…
I think even worse than being so completely frustrated is not wanting to tell him how I’m feeling. He’s trying to study and focus on this stupid school. –Ok, It’s not stupid. It’s something he needs. But today, in all my frustration, it’s stupid.
My mind, of course, wanders to the future and all the separations to come. We’ve already spent more time apart than together.

People ask me how I do it. How I deal with him always being gone. It’s simple: I just do. I get up, I put on a smile & I try to remember that it’s temporary. But some days… I don’t. Some days I just stay in the bed because that’s easier than pasting on a smile & pretending it’s okay. Most people try to understand this. But the few that ACTUALLY get it, well, they drag my ass out of bed for Mexican food and margaritas.

Today, I’m sitting here in my kitchen, watching it rain, feeling completely helpless because I’m not able to do the things I need to. And I’m angry. Why did this have to happen the day he left? Why can’t it just get better so I can get on with my life?
I’m mad at the Army for sending him to this school. I’m mad that he had to drive 8 hours to get there and couldn’t stay with me. I’m mad that it took DAYS to figure out what was really wrong with me. I’m mad that I’m not getting better. I’m mad that my neighbors aren’t telepathic and haven’t already mowed my yard for me. I’m mad that he starts another school a week after he gets home from this one.
Today, I’m just mad. But I have to keep reminding myself that I can make it without him. That I will get better and I will get things done. I’ll get through this.
And as I sit here, mad, I ask myself one question: Is he worth it?
Yes. A thousand times, yes. There is no other answer.

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