16 May 2010

Always Second Never First

“I fall second to the Army because that’s the way it has to be.
His devotion is to our country, but his heart beats only for me.”

On a normal Saturday morning, I was helping him pack for yet another Army school. Out of nowhere, I got this really sharp pain in the back side of my chest cavity, behind my shoulder blade, if you will. The pain only got worse. We ended up driving 45 minutes to the ER in the best hospital in the region. And all the while, he was complaining that he could potentially lose his slot in the Army school because he was driving me to the ER. By the time we got to the ER, I was in tears not only because I was in so much pain but because we argued the whole drive down and I was worried he’d lose his school slot because of me.
Talk about feeling like crap. All I wanted was to get out the truck and away from him because he’d made me feel so bad. Looking back on the situation, I realize now it wasn’t his intention to make me feel so bad especially not under those circumstances, he wanted me to realize that he cares enough about me to risk his slot in the class. 

Once I was admitted into the ER and my parents arrived, he left. He left. He left to go home and finish packing so he could head to Georgia for his school.
I spent a very frustrating 9.5 hours in the ER. Sure, my parents were there. But it was him that I wanted. Because of the Army, he couldn’t be there for me.

Luckily the situation wasn’t as serious as we thought and it was sort of okay that he wasn’t there. But it made me stop and think about all the other things in life that he’s going to miss because of Army this or Army that. It’s not fair and it sucks.
I will never come before his job. I will never come first.

I can say that I honestly love the person he is BECAUSE of the job that he does. He would not be the man I’m in love with if he were a stock broker, a neurosurgeon or a CEO of some big company.
He’s a Soldier in the United States Army. He chose a job, he signed a contract and now the government owns him. And that’s just the way it is.
The Army will always come first.  But it doesn’t matter how far away the Army takes him, I will always have his heart.

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