It’s really nothing more than a realization of something simple or commonplace. And life’s funny like that… The way things just happen or pop into our minds and the particular things that actually make us have those sudden realizations.
Sitting here this morning, sipping on coffee, catching up on my favorite show, I had an epiphany of my own. It wasn’t happy or optimistic or exciting. It was nothing like that. It was one that broke my heart and brought me to tears.
He’s a soldier. It’s not just what he does, it’s who he is.
I had a rough idea of what he did when we first met. I wasn’t going in blind. I knew and still chose to see where things would go. We had a pretty serious conversation about his job early on in our relationship. My eyes were opened to a lot. And yet, I still chose to stay. I learn something new about his world almost every day.
The clocks in my house read military time and I can speak in acronyms just as well as any soldier. I know more about the Army than some of my friends who have been married to it for years. I’m independent enough to endure all the separations. More often than not, I can do it with a smile on my face. And though I have moments of weakness and become far too emotional, I consider myself to be a strong individual.
I suppose the reality finally hit me…. This is going to be the next 15-20 years of my life.
I knew going in that he wanted a career in the Army. I knew going in the type of job he had. I knew all this. But I didn’t really.
When he tells certain stories from past deployments, his face lights up. You can see in his eyes that his mind is back in whatever war destroyed city the story took place in. It’s like watching a child talk about their first trip to Disney World. And it’s heart breaking.
The man I love is in love with a job that’s going to kill him.
My greatest fear… and while I have so many fears that rank pretty high on the list… my greatest fear is losing him.
I’ve always thought I’d be alright without a man. That I didn’t NEED one to make me ok. That I didn’t NEED one to get through each day. And I really was just fine on my own… until he came along. I can handle TDY’s and deployments. But the thought of losing him actually takes my breath away and my heart physically ache.
I can’t make it without him.
What a stupid epiphany. And one not even worth writing about.